ok so my marriage has been so up and down over its near decade of existance. We have had all sorts of issues. I was always one of those people who didn’t “believe” in divorce. Same with my hubby, we vowed to not let it be a part of our vocabulary when we got married. We thought we would be able to show other people how marriage should be done, like we knew how to do it and ours would be great. Boy were we wrong! I would never had expected some of the stuff we have gone through. Especially the past few years with the whole “issue” now part of everything.
Besides the whole, not being that attracted to my hubby thing, he is constantly disappointing me, not pursuing me, doesn’t seem to really know and understand me still, is very busy and doesn’t help around the house that much with chores handy work or the kids, is gone a lot for work, doesn’t lead me spiritually, doesn’t push me or challenge me, isn’t romantic, makes bad decisions a lot, etc… He has gotten a lot better over the years as we try to work things out between us, but it still feels hopeless sometimes. Like it will get better for a bit and then fades off again back to old ways. It is sort of like 2 steps fwd and 1 step back, lol. I get sick of saying the same thing over and over. I am at the point now where I told him that I dont know what else to do or how else to say it, it is just depressing and we are stuck in this mess. That was a couple months ago. It got a lot better after that but it has already been fading in and out. I mean it is hard enough to make a marriage work; try adding the whole gay aspect into the mix. It makes for an interesting time. What a battle it will be to make this marriage survive.
Anyway, I have been struggling a lot lately with the whole “being attracted to girls” thing. Where it has been consuming my thoughts and desires more. I was starting to relish in them but at the same time holding caution and questioning. I am still in wonder about how this whole thing works, the reality of the feelings and thoughts I have and the blatentness the scripture has about it all. Some of the stuff I have been shown to read has been helpful in some ways. I wish I was head over heels in love with my husband. I was I felt a burning passion for him and desired him sexually in an intense way. When I see a girl I think is hot, I automatically see myself caressing her and kissing her and just smiling and being flirty and fun. There is a passion there and it feels good to feel that way. To feel something like that. I really wish I could feel that for my mate.
Today I have been lovey towards my hubby. Real touchy, silly, playful, kissy, etc. I am usually not wanting to act in that way with him. Many times we will go days without kissing each other. Now, I don’t really know why I started doing this today but it felt nice to do it (not as in sexually nice but just nice). I was thinking about it and I think it is like I am actively fighting; fighting for my marriage, fighting against unwanted things, fighting for love, etc… But something inside me must have been leading me into that for it was an internal motivation, I just kept doing it and I wasn’t sitting there thinking, “ok go over there and kiss him and pretend u want to.” It was like, “I just wanna kiss him” (but not in a passionate way). Anyway, if that all made any sense to anyone I have no idea, lol.
Later on he was like, “have I been doing anything lately that has made you be like this?” And I was like, well you have been doing a lot of things lately and I like it but that’s not why. So he asked if I knew why then? And I told him that I was just actively fighting. And he said well that’s good; good that you aren’t just laying down taking a beating. LOL
Another fighting note, I have also looked into any support groups/counseling/whatever that I can maybe go to and check out. I really want to meet other people who are dealing with the same thing I do. I feel that I am alone in it. I can’t tell if there are any other women at my church who are; none look like they would be. And if I told anyone that I know here about what I deal with, I am not sure how they would take it. I already am not that close to anyone so would hate losing any chance of friendship I might have there. So who knows what will come. But I am hopeful.
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