Man I want to have passion. I long for passion. I don’t feel like I am a passionate person and it bugs me sometimes. I want to feel enough about something that I am propelled by it. Sexually I get that feeling when I see a girl that I find attractive; and man it feels good to feel that. I feel alive. I wish that I could feel that sexual passion towards my husband. And I have a passion for God but I don’t think it is always noticeable to those around me or even to myself if I am honest. A lot of times He gets pushed to the side, out of the focus of my day. I know He should by my center, my all consuming passion. So it would be nice to be more inflamed for Him as well. But I also want a pasison for something, for some goal or purpose here with my life here on this planet. Some people have their music, some their sport, some their hobby or their career, etc. I want to love something so much that I could enjoy doing it all the time if I had the opportunity. I don’t have anything like that. So that coupled together with the fact that physically and spiritually the passion is not getting me going leads to a pretty blah life.
I mean I guess it is kinda good that i don’t have anything that strong in my life to pull me away from God and His rightful place in my life, but even though, I still don’t seek Him as passionately as I should. So, maybe it is a bad thing and not a good thing. If I had something that gave me joy to do maybe my outlook and attitude would be better? Like I would feel more fulfilled, like I am living out a purpose in a way deisgned just for me to do? And then I would feel closer to God? I don’t know. I just keep wondering, I mean really what am I here for? I know our ultimate purpose is to bring God glory, but I wish I knew what really got me going and filled me with joy so that I can better be in the right frame of mind and attitude during my day to that I can represent God more successfully.
I just really want to feel…. I feel so dead inside half the time. And I get angry and depressed and lose hope so easily.
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