Clear skies and dark eyes

My mind won’t settle. I can’t think of one topic long enough to focus or to write about it.  My mind is being a toddler–carelessly wandering to the very topics I try avoiding.

I thought of Cassidy last night. Almost immediately I had to think of something different. That memory is still healing. I know what I’ve done is right. I know she will be happy. I know all of this. But I’m tired.

And I can’t figure out how to word anything else without sounding like a big, emotional, baby.

So I’ll leave you with this…

Oh, why must I work so hard,

Just so I can feel like the nobles ones?

Obligations to my heart are gone,

Superficial lines explain it all.

Sometimes I get tired of pins and needles,

Facades are a fire on the skin.

Oh, I’m growing fond of broken people,

As I see that I am one of them.

- Mutemath Pins and Needles

I can’t be the only one that feels the same. But perhaps I’m the only one that is as vocal about it. Why do the good guys finish last? What makes an asshole so appealing? What makes us chase the unattainable? Is it the challenge? Is it the thrill?

In my talk with Cait, she point blank asked (or maybe she just said it, I dunno), “You like the chase.” Well, of course I like the chase. It’s the calm before the storm. In the relationship world, it’s the innocent grace period where anything and everything goes. There are no strings attached. It’s merely the enjoyment of another’s company. The turning point comes when one of the two parties feels comfortable enough to dive head first into the lake of sorrow (wow, depressing Katie).

Hold on, let me explain.

Everyone has that lake–that lake no one wants venture forth. It a lake as still as the trees. The water is as murky as our heart–its never too clear. On the surface it’s warm and refreshing, as is the embankment of a new relationship. But when we dive deeper with one another we find what makes us so cold. The deeper we dive–no matter how fast–the more serious it becomes. If we stay near the surface, we’re safe. It’s not such a challenge to go back up and breathe for air. We can get out the water in a simple fluid motion. However with each  submersion, we combat weaving the intricate emotional web around each other. It’s almost inevitable, but it’s almost always breakable.